So, it has been a few months since I posted here. Starting this year I had better intentions of blogging more on this blog. My last blog was about are upcoming move to NC....well shortly after our move here my world was rocked and so was my faith in God. Today is the first time I have felt like I can sit down and hopefully write this in a way it makes sense. So bare with me....I have lots of thoughts going on in this brain of mine.
It is easy to love God when life is great and I have to say for my 34 years on this earth my life has been great. I haven't really had any major upsets in my life. I have had ups and downs just like anyone, but compared to most my life has been smooth sailing. Up until just a few months ago. When a phone call I received kicked me in the gut and forever change my life and my families life. Granted, in my heart I knew this call was coming but none the less it was a call I wasn't prepared for. As most of you know this was the call from my sister-in-law to let me know that Brad had passed away. I will never forget the sadness in Kim's voice as she told me...honestly I don't really remember much else about that call or that day except I just felt like I was living in dream.
As of that day a journey started for me. One that I now know God has been preparing me to take over the past 34 years of my life. "Sometimes you have to get a different perspective" quote from the movie Soul Surfer. When things are up close and personal you sometimes can't see what is right in front of you.
Over the past 3 months, I have struggled hard with my faith. I felt lost and I couldn't feel God anymore, which really scared me. Here I am going through one of the hardest things ever and God isn't here. I would just sit and stare at my bible...knowing that if I would just read I would find comfort, but nothing came. I would just sit and have no words to pray. Seriously....what in the world is wrong with me. I should just be able to pour my heart out right now and let God be there for me. As I struggled through this back and forth of where is God....
It is easy to love God when life is great and I have to say for my 34 years on this earth my life has been great. I haven't really had any major upsets in my life. I have had ups and downs just like anyone, but compared to most my life has been smooth sailing. Up until just a few months ago. When a phone call I received kicked me in the gut and forever change my life and my families life. Granted, in my heart I knew this call was coming but none the less it was a call I wasn't prepared for. As most of you know this was the call from my sister-in-law to let me know that Brad had passed away. I will never forget the sadness in Kim's voice as she told me...honestly I don't really remember much else about that call or that day except I just felt like I was living in dream.
As of that day a journey started for me. One that I now know God has been preparing me to take over the past 34 years of my life. "Sometimes you have to get a different perspective" quote from the movie Soul Surfer. When things are up close and personal you sometimes can't see what is right in front of you.
Over the past 3 months, I have struggled hard with my faith. I felt lost and I couldn't feel God anymore, which really scared me. Here I am going through one of the hardest things ever and God isn't here. I would just sit and stare at my bible...knowing that if I would just read I would find comfort, but nothing came. I would just sit and have no words to pray. Seriously....what in the world is wrong with me. I should just be able to pour my heart out right now and let God be there for me. As I struggled through this back and forth of where is God....
- I was able to email some of my friends in OK and tell them of my struggles and ask them to pray for me. I knew that these women I emailed would pray and not just a prayer of " Lord, please be with Jenn today and help her", but a prayer that would surround and comfort me and I knew they would pray not only once for me but continuously. They sent words of encouragement. There was God!
- I started to read a book a friend wrote and something within that book encouraged me. I wrote her an email and shared some of my thoughts with her. She replied back with pray and encouragement. She said "take time to grieve, everything you are feeling and thinking is normal. God can handle the anger and questions". There was God!
- A friend I have had for over 10 years, who I worked with, lost her brother years ago. She has been there to give me encouragement and pray for me through all of this. There was God!
- The other night I was on the phone with my best friend. We were talking about a situation she has been going through and how it has come to a time to let this dream of hers go. She was sad and upset and questioning so many things. She was grieving the loss of a dream to have another child and I have been grieving the loss of my brother. Even though these are two different things we both have been grieving in our life's, but that night on the phone we were able to talk about so many things and how life just isn't fair and we don't understand the plan that God has for us sometimes. To me it was amazing that at this time in our lives we both were going through heartbreaking events and if it weren't for circumstances that happened almost 13 years ago, her and I probably would not have crossed paths. But we did and now because of that friendship we were able to comfort each other that night on the phone. There was God!
My point of sharing these little stories is that even though I thought I wasn't able to feel or see God during this time, He has been there. We just need a different perspective. Most of my adult life, I have moved a lot with Chris to various states. In every city God has blessed me with lifelong friends. Friends that are now at this point in my life helping to keep me standing, helping me get through the stage in my life. It was not an accident that I met each of these wonderful people, it was God's plan.
Job 2:11: When Job's three friends.....heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.
God has allowed me to build up these wonderful friendships because He knew at this time in my life I would struggle with my faith and I would need encouragement from those who loved me. I would need to see God through them and I am so thankful they help show Him to me. To remind me that even though God my feel absent from my life, He is not. He has always been there for me and will be, even when things fall apart. God is drawing me closer to Him during all of this, even though I struggle to handle all of this on my own. He is trying to show me that I need Him more than I think I do. Sometimes it takes the rug being pulled out from under you to really show you how much we need to lean on Him.
There is a song on the radio called Fall Apart by Josh Wilson. Click here to watch the you tube video of this song. I love to share songs that really help me as my hope is that maybe it will reach someone else. Anyway, the very first lines of this song are :
"Why in the world did I think I could, Only get to know you when live was good, When everything just falls in place, The easiest thing to do is give you praise"When I heard this song, I thought "hello, that has been my life".
I have never had to really depend on God to get me through any major life changing event. I haven't given God the chance to show me and help me understand just how AMAZING His love can be.My prayer through all of this is that I will know God more and I will grow closer to Him more than I have ever been. I don't think I will ever understand why this all happened the way it did. I can tell you I am not even close to the point of acceptance of this yet. But I can tell you that God is okay with that, He understands it better than any of us. I know that He is holding my hand through it all. I do praise Him for all that he has blessed me with and all of my amazing friends and family that been there for me during all of this. You are loved and cherished more than I can ever express.
"The Lord makes firm the steps of those who delight in him; though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord upholds them with his hand" Psalm 37:23-24.
